Sarah Schulman's (@sarahschulman3) Conflict is not Abuse's thesis is in its title: those that overstate harm miss the benefits that can be gained from verbal conflict, negotiation, and empathy.

Schulman's argument starts with the self, moves to the relational, discusses conflict and abuse at the hands of the state, and concludes with the Israeli genocide upon the Palestinian people.

She defines abuse as someone inappropriately using the power they have over a victim and conflict in explicitly verbal terms and almost as debate or negotiation.

In the personal arena, Schulman starts an incredibly useful idea: negative fantasy. Schulman outlines the anxiety that causes individuals to assume they know the intent of another without asking them. The anxious individual then spins into negative fantasy or a daymare that causes them to make additional unfounded assumptions.

In interpersonal relationships, she discusses a mismatch of motivation. Individuals learn that the dichotomy of victim and perpetrator gives compassion to the victim and shunning to the perpetrator. Schulman suggests that individuals in a non-violent disagreement will take the role of victim to get the compassion that the role attracts. She concludes that a system of conflict mediation that provides compassion and understanding to both parties in a conflict would heal the individuals and the community involved.

Schulman argues that when individuals ask the state (police) to intervene in a conflict, they dole out punishment to the perpetrator that does little to help the victim. She also argues that individuals in a conflict will involve the state to enforce their will and the power of the state. She argues that a community around individuals in conflict is essential to produce real healing around conflicted individuals.

One of Schulman's most interesting points is that people who are victims of trauma and those who create trauma use the same tactic: claiming victimhood to avoid negotiation. Police will claim fear to justify the use of deadly force as traumatized people feel fear and claim victimhood to avoid pain.

Schulman's Conflict is not Abuse is an anti-authoritarian text that should help you understand the value of conflict negotiation so you can build it within yourself to avoid negative fantasy and within your community to strengthen it.