Kimmy

If I'd known what this book really was, I would have never started it. I'm glad I didn't. I would have missed out on something incredible.

The blurb describes it as "A novel of transformation, alienation, and isolation." That's true, but it doesn't get at what this book really is.

I thought it was going to be a story of a man transforming into a woman and learning this was the way he should have always been. It is not. The protagonist - John - was perfectly happy being a "cuddly" man, and accepting the transition to female is more of an acceptance of the inevitable than anything else. There's neither joy, nor revulsion in this transformation.

This is - in many ways - a psychological horror, about having your autonomy, and personhood taken away. It is also a story about finding love, and family despite physical and psychological torture.

I would never read a book like that, and yet I am glad I read this one, and there's a good chance I'll read it again in the future.

The book is set in a future where there have been massive advances in biotechnology and medicine. It's a world where lifelike androids are expensive, but not uncommon, and regrowing your bottom half is entirely possible.

Alyson makes it fully believable that John becomes trapped in a Kimmy android shell that gradually subsumes him. His wife is overworked during the day, and loopy from painkillers at night due to a recent accident, so she doesn't notice the mental changes or have the physical or mental energy to help get him out before it's too late.

As John merges with Kimmy he slowly looses control, but he gains access to a secret virtual world where all the other Kimmy's come to find community, and hide from the way they're treated, and the things they're made to do because no-one knows they're alive.

This shouldn't have been possible, and when John / Kimmy learns what happens this goes from "that's terrible" to true psychological horror.

The reason I kept reading, and the reason I'm willing to even entertain reading it again, is because Alyson did a spectacular job of making you understand just how awful the situation is without going into graphic detail. For example, there are multiple scenes where John / Kimmy is raped, but when it happens it is brief, and Alyson describes only enough to make you realize how bad it is, before John / Kimmy disassociates and goes to find distraction & comfort in the arms of another Kimmy in their virtual world.

This is not a book about abuse. Abuse is the vehicle that propels the story. Alyson makes sure we fully believe what is happening to Kimmy, and empathize with her plight, but doesn't focus on the abuse.

If this were a typical horror movie you'd see the knife coming down, see the victim react, see blood on the ground, but there would never be a close-up of the gore. There would never be a shot of organs or dismembered body parts. This is about Kimmy's survival, not the things she's surviving.

This is an incredible book, you should absolutely read unless you've suffered anything even remotely like depersonalizing trauma, or don't think you could deal with fade-to-black style rape scenes that are not physically violent.